I was going to name this How To Write a Boring Book, but if you hit all or most of these points in a single chapter, you won’t need to worry about anyone reading the entire book.
There is an easy checklist you can follow to write the most boring chapters possible. Plenty of authors have done it and you can too!
- Use few or no action verbs. Verbs have a nasty habit of getting readers excited and moving scenes along. Verbs and action words do nothing but pick up the pace and get readers excited to read more.
- Don’t use any variation in dialogue. Make everyone use the same voice and tone. And make sure you use, “he said/she said.” Do not include: exclaimed, asked, argued, whispered, shouted, screeched, suggested, or anything else that would make the conversation more interesting or easy to read.
- Use a lot of filter words. These are words that exist for mainly two purposes: to slow down the sentence and to simply add to the word count. Some good suggestions are: realized, seems, and, but, then, think, feel, that, might. These are words that will get boring real fast, so make sure to use a lot.
- Make things easy for your characters. No on loves the underdog, am I right? You have to make things easy for the characters. This will make things super easy for your readers and you won’t have to put as much thought into the book.
- Make sure everyone gets along all the time.
Best friends, lovers, business partners, family — make sure everyone gets along all the time. The only real conflict needed is that between the hero and the villain, right? What normal person doesn’t get along with everyone all the time?
- Resolve conflicts easily.
When there is conflict, get it over as fast as possible. Who wants to read fights, arguments, and…emotions…? Ick.
- Don’t let your characters reason or speculate.
Listen, I know you think your characters are real people, but they aren’t. So don’t treat them like they have brains or feelings. What reader wants to see them develop and mature?
- Give a play-by-play to every significant scene.
You can’t assume your readers know what a fight looks like. Or what it looks like when two people kiss. Or how a robbery goes down. So while you’re describing these scenes, make sure you point out every single detail that’s happening. Your readers’ imaginations are flawed; only you can show the moment perfectly.
- Do not include: humor, (!), reactions, emotions.
These are all things that will lengthen your stories and make your characters and sentences far too professional. The idea that every chapter needs a few exclamation points or question marks is absurd! Just stick to periods all the time. And humor is overrated and so hard to figure out for each character. Just make your characters 2D.
- Drop the visuals.
People know what the forest looks like. Don’t elaborate so it feels dark and scary too. They’ll get that when the zombies show up, right? Showing instead of telling is so much work.
There are my top 10 tips for how to write a super boring chapter! Now get out there and make your readers snore!